‘Time goes by slowly’ a line from the song Unchained melody. I used to just hear it, thought it was too cheesy. Now, I fully understand it. Time does go by slowly, now that you’re not here. Four months and 7 days. Yes, I still count them. I do not expect others to understand, unless they have gone through the same loss. It’s not emptiness, it’s an ending. The END of a lot of things: those dreams we had, the future we planned, the routine we’ve set in place… the end of US.
Aren’t the curtains supposed to close on both of us when the final credits run through, signaling The End? Why was I left on the other side? Why did the curtain cut you off from me? I still struggle to find answers, perhaps, I never will know why. I try to stir my thoughts away from you. It was the only way I could function fully but there are moments as such when my mind would just settle with memories of us. I long for you. I know, I always will. My eyes well up just thinking of you, my heart bleeds and pain drowns me once again. You are not just someone I loved. You were my soul, without you, I don’t think I would ever be whole.
Unhappy, I am not. Love surrounds me. Life has an uncanny way of balancing things. I do not lack love from the people who cherished us both then but unexpected people have walked in my life, turning pages that I did not know existed, writing chapters in my story that we both wouldn’t have predicted. I wish you could meet them, you’ll find it amusing how all these came to be. Such impossible wishes still linger in my head, just one more kiss or a hug, a minute more or a day with you. I long for you.
Tonight I wallow in this pain, I let myself bleed again. Drank from the bitter cup of heartache – so as not to forget you; You’re silly grin when you tease me, that hidden frown behind your smile when I travel and that look of love that captured my soul.
Tomorrow I will forget you again, so I can live.
But tonight let me confess, I LONG FOR YOU.
– z –